I am struggling with myself right now. Not sure why...do any of us know why we find it hard to be upbeat some days? I came back from my holiday feeling so alive and grateful and inspired. Now I feel the opposite.... Perhaps it's the recent death of my darling Uncle Al, one of my father's brothers. I am so sad that he has gone. He and I were very fond of each other. There were always big smiles and hugs when we saw each other, which wasn't often as he lived in Brisbane and I in Perth. I remember last Christmas getting an out of the blue phone call from him to wish me a Happy Christmas...he never rang me (nor I him). We just had each other in our hearts. He had decided that this year he was calling the special people in his life. I've never been so touched! He was never unhappy to see me. I think through all the trickiness and ickiness of my parent's divorce, the fact that he was always excited to see me, made me feel valued by Dad's side of the family, when I so often wondered as a child whether they were just putting up with me and my sister for Dad's sake.
He and my dad were very alike and were very close. He missed Dad every single day. They shared a special bond and friendship too. Uncle Al's death brings up the loss of Dad - it feels so raw again. They are both gone from sight now. I last saw Uncle Al in February. I dropped in on him on my way to Brisbane airport to surprise him. He was surprised and happy. He didn't seem himself at all though, and I left knowing I wouldn't see him again. Tears fell as I drove off. I'm so glad I dropped in. Death is a sad reality of our life. I know that. And the sadness is a reflection of how much they meant to you and will always mean to you.
Í can't go to Uncle Al's funeral. It's times like these I wish I was closer to family. Just being with family is comforting, but I am without extended family here - without anybody that knew him in the same way I did, so I'm feeling very lonely in my grief, but then grief is a lonely thing isn't it? It's so incredibly personal and you never know how you're going to be with it. It doesn't matter than you knew it was coming.
As Winnie the Pooh said to Piglet, "If there every comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever". Uncle Al, that's where you and Dad are now, right there in my heart forever. I like to think of them together again. The barefooted farm boys in that photo Dad had at his computer. Sharing their beloved beer and reminiscing. The world has lost a couple of rare gems.
But also, I feel my own mortality. What have I done with my life? I'm just on this treadmill that I really want to opt out of...but how do you do that when you have family to support, commitments. All this stuff about creating the life you want and yet why do I feel like I just ended up here? And it's not really where I want to be?