I'm feeling like a crazed jack-in-the-box. If I do break free - I won't emerge as some beautiful enlightened free being, but as this wild crazed screaming woman that everyone will scatter from as quickly as humanly possible.
How do you change your life when people depend on you, and your income is totally committed to housing, food, etc etc. Sell the house and downsize and live in a dodgy suburb, with a lengthy commute in the car as it's inaccessible by public transport? Take a lesser paid job, work fewer days and kiss goodbye dreams of travel and other things? Spend my days off work, reading and sewing and painting and writing and cooking and walking and dreaming.
I'm so exhausted, I can only manage one day at time, and that is spent hanging on to my day job. I buy more lotto tickets than ever before, hoping the universe smiles upon me and showers me with enough to quit work for time enough to re-group, think and focus. And yet, am I totally defined by my work and my earning capacity? Who am I when I'm not the Account Manager, with a stable of clients depending on me? Does my income define me? It shouldn't but does it? Am I a lesser person, if I take a job making coffee? Is that a waste of my talent? Do I have any talent? I'm just the same as everyone else....or not - other people seem to have found balance. Why can't I?
I have dedicated a page in Pinterest to "'words to live by'' inspiring me to keep hold of my dreams, never give up on them and keep working towards them. Think outside the box, break the box down. Throw caution to the wind. But I just feel like a robotic human in the mass of human race. I tiny little ant marching to the beat of someone else's drum. Unable to make a difference. I feel misaligned with the world at the same time. I see beauty in so much and yet I see ugliness everywhere too. Ugly, aggressive human behaviour and it depresses me. Unkindness. Why?
I feel opposed to what mainstream life has become - mortgages, degrees, job progression, debt. Modern day life is exhausting. How do you co-exist with it? I want to strip right back, but am I brave enough? I don't think so. Trust and be brave I tell myself. Have a plan to let in some cracks of light to this box I'm in. Start with a crack, stop building curtains that keep the outside out. Grant me inspirational thinking. Turn the light on, damn you!! Come on conformist mind of mine..think outside the box, think, think, think. There is a way, I just can't find it yet.
It's too much pressure, I'm caving, sticking to the conformist conservative road I'm set on. Stop putting pressure on myself, it's exhausting. Things will happen in time, but when I wonder? When, when, when? How, how, how?
|Susie the crazed jack-in-the-box!|